I bought a small pack of thin notebooks, and have been writing poetry in them. I really want to start writing more, and a poem a day is not too much to handle.
This is my first, from February 20th.
Dreamed Seams
Embraced in cotton, all is surreal
thoughts skim, like oil across
the surface of conciousness.
Retinae flutter beneath lids
viewing, seeing what is not.
Mind exercising, reviewing what was,
making sense.
What I know then, is not existent
but so real. Tangible, colorful, more so
than waking.
This is the making:
The making of dreams, dreams
All is what it seems, sewn
at seams, light as air,
deep as seas.
My eyes move to view what can't be seen,
catch a glimps of what is true;
they can glean
a fragment of what makes up my mind,
myself, and I collect these,
In the pocket between waking and dreams,
and stitch them together, like so many
patches, an attempt to see,
the Whole,
What I am,
What is Me.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The Necessity of Hope
It has been a while since I posted, so it feels like I have a lot to talk about and catch up on.
More than anything, while these past few weeks have held much conflict for me, they have also come with something so much greater: Resolve.
Robert's regular checkup found leukemic cells in his blood. He is back in the hospital, and has just finished off a first round of chemo. He will also have to undergo another bone marrow transplant.
More than anything, while these past few weeks have held much conflict for me, they have also come with something so much greater: Resolve.
Robert's regular checkup found leukemic cells in his blood. He is back in the hospital, and has just finished off a first round of chemo. He will also have to undergo another bone marrow transplant.
I also have been letting myself get afraid. Drawing away, letting myself get scared. Afraid of being vulnerable.
Honestly, I feel that I've given in to despair often lately. My personal journal is filled with phrases like, "This is all so confusing," "I don't know how to do this," or "I can't believe it; I just feel so angry." Still, after I wind on down that path for a while, I always end up coming back to the Savior, and to His love. Almost every entry ends with a reference to Him and His atonement.
Too often, I lose sight of the opportunity that each day is. I think about the prospect of the next day, week, month, year, and wonder how I can do it all. Wonder how it is that I can continue to go on, to exist in a world that is so full of pain and despair. What could really make living in such a crazy world worth all the heartache?
And then I remember the answer: Christ, our Savior. It is His Atonement, His sacrifice that makes sense of all the senseless pain and tragedy of the world. He lifts those who reaches to Him, makes it possible for them to heal, to become pure. He descended below all these things, all these hurts so that He could lift me above them
Hope is more than just a feeling; it is a conscious choice. It is the choice between having faith, believing, and keeping our hope alive, or giving in to grief and despair. Being hopeful means habitually choosing hope over fear or doubt, every time the choice presents itself.
I have received the resolution I needed. I have felt a confirmation, letting me know that all things are working together for good. I know Ashley and Robert’s journey will be hard and painful, but I also know it will be worth making. I know that because of the Atonement, and their faith, something good and beautiful will come out of it, something better than could have come by an easier way.
I also know that all things in my life are working together for my good. I see the way to courage and love opening up before me. I feel that I am being blessed with the resolve to embark on the journey. I am ready!
I choose to have the Hope needed to know that what lies ahead is perfect.
The best is yet to come.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Why I Win at Life
1) MINESWEEPER MASTERY
Oh yes. This proof of my awesomeness is so indubitable, I had to post it. Of course.
2) Cute Orchestra Guy (who shall henceforth be referred to as "Jake") asked me out last Friday. We hung out Saturday-Monday, and in the words of my roommate Jennifer, he is "sweet on me."
Which definitely qualifies as a win at life.
3) My article made the first page of the school pape.
4) I've started training for a half-marathon coming up in June! How legitimate is that?
5) I made some pretty amazing brownies this past Friday. So chocolatey.
6) My dorm room actually looks so cute (if a little messy).
And these aren't even all the reasons why!
They are just the most obvious ones.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Some Nitty-Gritty Details.
In my previous post, I discussed the challenges and blessings that have come with being back up at school.
But, apparently, you guys (Janelle) didn't want to hear vague statements or sweeping generalizations.
No, you wanted details. The juicier, the better.
So, seeing that I am such a people pleaser, I decided to oblige. Following are some details about my life up here in Rexburg.
Weather:
It is pretty darn cold, but there is not nearly as much snow as there was last year. It's only snowed a couple times since I've been up here. I am kind of glad about this, but come on. This "all or nothing" business is a bit extreme. Plus, the Idahoans need the moisture!
Also, the snow melts and makes a lot of ice. Good for shoe skating.
Classes:
-I love my British Literature teacher. He is very entertaining, and has fun being in class. He has gone off on several amusing tangents, including a long story about why his dog got itself impregnated, and it is the worse dog in the world, among other things. We also had a lengthy discussion another class period about whether his shirt was pink or just "light red" (it was totally pink).
-My Spanish class is going really well! I currently have a 99.48%, so go me! The teacher I have now I also had for Spanish 101, and she is a great, and her teaching style really works for me.
-Orchestra is great; we are playing the IV Movement of Dvorak's Symphony no. 9 New World. I swear, I didn't know it was possible to actually record that kind of majesty, but it is. Give it a listen.
-My Music Appreciation class is fun, as well. My teacher is pretty laid back, and hey, I get to listen to a bunch of music, go to live concerts on campus, and get credit for it all. Hello, awesome!
-My Book of Mormon class is also really good (aren't religion classes always good, though?). One of our first assignments was to write a paper outlining one area of our lives that we wanted to improve on. I chose selflessness; I would really like to experience having more of that ultimate Christ-like quality.
Roommates/Apartment Life:
I am really loving my apartment! It was a bit quiet at first, and us roomies didn't interact a lot at first, but it has really warmed up and we have a lot of fun together.
-Last night: OH THE DRAMZ. Kirsti and Deborah (they were good friends, and now share a room) got in a fight! Kirsti was joking around, pushing Deb's buttons, but then Deb actually got upset and threw a loaf of bread at Kirsti, who threw it right back and followed it up with a bottle of cranberry juice (which consequently exploded all over the floor). It was INTENSE. AND CRAZY.
And pretty hilarious, really.
They made up later, as well, so it was all good.
-Kirsti and I have been working out together! We've gone to a step class a few times, and which are actually a lot of fun! Kirsti is from Texas, and LOVES animals. She watches Animal Planet all the time, and says at least once a day how much she misses her dog. She is pretty fun, but also a pretty focused person.
-Deborah cut my hair, and it actually looks SO FLY. It is now shorter in the back, and longer in the front. I'll take a pic and post it soon. So, yes, Deb does hair, and is in school for Auto Mechanics. She is from South Carolina is totally a country girl. She's sweet and nice.
-Paris has her room to herself (since Tess ended up not coming up). She is SO nice, and is pretty quiet. She is totally fun to hang out with though, because she laughs at me and thinks I'm funny. She is trying to get into the Nursing Program here right now.
-Jennifer is my roommate, and she is totally cool. She is tall (6'2"), and half Native-American, half Honduran. She is also a direct descendant of Sittin Bull. Cool, right? She has the biggest heart, and we have a lot of fun together. She makes a honking noise when she blows her nose and it is amazing!
What's New:
- I am writing for the school newspaper now! It is called the Scroll, and I had thought about getting involved in it, but was afraid I wasn't qualified or it would be too hard. It was funny, though, the subject kept popping up from different people. For example, I met this guy and we were introducing ourselves (his name was Russell), and almost right away he asked if I was interested in getting involved in any school publications (he does a lot of advertisment stuff with the school). I told him I was, and just had to laugh on the inside, wondering how he could have known! He encouraged me to go talk to someone in the i-Comm office, so I did, and voila. I was writing for the Scroll! It was almost disappointingly easy.
In any case, I wrote my first article and turned it in yesterday. I will post a link when it goes up on the paper's website.
-I have this totally obnoxious and ridiculous crush on a guy in Orchestra. He plays the bass, and he is so. good. looking. Seriously, I forgot what it was to be this attracted to someone. He is either a 1-2 or a 2-1, I think, and has the squinty eyes a la Robert Ashworth.
Yesterday I was helping put chairs away after class. He was standing next to the stack of chairs and offered to put up the two I was carrying. My heart dropped down to sphincter, I'm pretty sure. I let him, and that probably would have been that, but I somehow (thanks to a pep talk on Sunday by Ashley, centered around putting myself out there more) got up the courage to introduce myself. His name is Jacob, and he was even thoughtful enough to clarify whether my name is spelled with an "A" (which, as you know, it is not).
It was a small victory--but a victory nonetheless!--and I walked away grinning from ear to ear.
But, apparently, you guys (Janelle) didn't want to hear vague statements or sweeping generalizations.
No, you wanted details. The juicier, the better.
So, seeing that I am such a people pleaser, I decided to oblige. Following are some details about my life up here in Rexburg.
Weather:
It is pretty darn cold, but there is not nearly as much snow as there was last year. It's only snowed a couple times since I've been up here. I am kind of glad about this, but come on. This "all or nothing" business is a bit extreme. Plus, the Idahoans need the moisture!
Also, the snow melts and makes a lot of ice. Good for shoe skating.
Classes:
-I love my British Literature teacher. He is very entertaining, and has fun being in class. He has gone off on several amusing tangents, including a long story about why his dog got itself impregnated, and it is the worse dog in the world, among other things. We also had a lengthy discussion another class period about whether his shirt was pink or just "light red" (it was totally pink).
-My Spanish class is going really well! I currently have a 99.48%, so go me! The teacher I have now I also had for Spanish 101, and she is a great, and her teaching style really works for me.
-Orchestra is great; we are playing the IV Movement of Dvorak's Symphony no. 9 New World. I swear, I didn't know it was possible to actually record that kind of majesty, but it is. Give it a listen.
-My Music Appreciation class is fun, as well. My teacher is pretty laid back, and hey, I get to listen to a bunch of music, go to live concerts on campus, and get credit for it all. Hello, awesome!
-My Book of Mormon class is also really good (aren't religion classes always good, though?). One of our first assignments was to write a paper outlining one area of our lives that we wanted to improve on. I chose selflessness; I would really like to experience having more of that ultimate Christ-like quality.
Roommates/Apartment Life:
I am really loving my apartment! It was a bit quiet at first, and us roomies didn't interact a lot at first, but it has really warmed up and we have a lot of fun together.
-Last night: OH THE DRAMZ. Kirsti and Deborah (they were good friends, and now share a room) got in a fight! Kirsti was joking around, pushing Deb's buttons, but then Deb actually got upset and threw a loaf of bread at Kirsti, who threw it right back and followed it up with a bottle of cranberry juice (which consequently exploded all over the floor). It was INTENSE. AND CRAZY.
And pretty hilarious, really.
They made up later, as well, so it was all good.
-Kirsti and I have been working out together! We've gone to a step class a few times, and which are actually a lot of fun! Kirsti is from Texas, and LOVES animals. She watches Animal Planet all the time, and says at least once a day how much she misses her dog. She is pretty fun, but also a pretty focused person.
-Deborah cut my hair, and it actually looks SO FLY. It is now shorter in the back, and longer in the front. I'll take a pic and post it soon. So, yes, Deb does hair, and is in school for Auto Mechanics. She is from South Carolina is totally a country girl. She's sweet and nice.
-Paris has her room to herself (since Tess ended up not coming up). She is SO nice, and is pretty quiet. She is totally fun to hang out with though, because she laughs at me and thinks I'm funny. She is trying to get into the Nursing Program here right now.
-Jennifer is my roommate, and she is totally cool. She is tall (6'2"), and half Native-American, half Honduran. She is also a direct descendant of Sittin Bull. Cool, right? She has the biggest heart, and we have a lot of fun together. She makes a honking noise when she blows her nose and it is amazing!
What's New:
- I am writing for the school newspaper now! It is called the Scroll, and I had thought about getting involved in it, but was afraid I wasn't qualified or it would be too hard. It was funny, though, the subject kept popping up from different people. For example, I met this guy and we were introducing ourselves (his name was Russell), and almost right away he asked if I was interested in getting involved in any school publications (he does a lot of advertisment stuff with the school). I told him I was, and just had to laugh on the inside, wondering how he could have known! He encouraged me to go talk to someone in the i-Comm office, so I did, and voila. I was writing for the Scroll! It was almost disappointingly easy.
In any case, I wrote my first article and turned it in yesterday. I will post a link when it goes up on the paper's website.
-I have this totally obnoxious and ridiculous crush on a guy in Orchestra. He plays the bass, and he is so. good. looking. Seriously, I forgot what it was to be this attracted to someone. He is either a 1-2 or a 2-1, I think, and has the squinty eyes a la Robert Ashworth.
Yesterday I was helping put chairs away after class. He was standing next to the stack of chairs and offered to put up the two I was carrying. My heart dropped down to sphincter, I'm pretty sure. I let him, and that probably would have been that, but I somehow (thanks to a pep talk on Sunday by Ashley, centered around putting myself out there more) got up the courage to introduce myself. His name is Jacob, and he was even thoughtful enough to clarify whether my name is spelled with an "A" (which, as you know, it is not).
It was a small victory--but a victory nonetheless!--and I walked away grinning from ear to ear.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
transitioning...
It has been a whole official week since the beginning of classes, and I must say that I am enjoying my time here at BYU-Idaho. Which is a relief. While I was constantly looking forward to being up here again the entire time I was in Las Vegas, I was still nervous.
Would me roommate be a "Me-Monster"?
What if my workload was crazy hard?
Would I get a lot of chances to meet new people?
What if the people I already knew didn't want to talk to me?
What if the testing center wouldn't let me in because of my crazy red hair?
What if my crazy red hair scared off potential dates?
I felt overwhelmed my first couple of days, which I realize is normal, but that doesn't make it any better to experience. (It actually peeves me when I am discouraged or frustrated and people tell me it's "normal" to feel that way. How exactly is that supposed to make me feel better? But I digress). I have also felt oddly anxious about most everything; usually I am pretty easy-going, and get things done as they come, make friends and meet people as I go. So feeling anxious or worried about anything really isn't my style. I am particularly concerned about falling behind in school. I guess this does cause me to be more motivated to get work done, i is not very enjoyable. I much prefer being motivated by pretty much anything, rather than fear. I'm kind of missing my old, leave-it-until-later, pull-it-together-at-the-last-minute self.
It's kind of hard not to feel isolated, as well, when you are living with four perfect strangers, your family and friends are ten hours away, and even if you wanted to talk to them you couldn't because you forgot your phone charger, and sadly enough, your phone does not run off of chewed up fingernails. I rely so much on my family, it can feel very hard to be apart from them for any amount of time.
So, in summary, I was kind of thrilled to be here, but my excitement was more a vague haze I could feel floating around on the other side of anxiety, loneliness, and something close to panic.
Still, even though transition are most always awkward, this one has been relatively smooth. While being up here isn't quite how I pictured or would have liked, I have noticed that I have many moments of clarity and joy. I feel more vivacious, and I have moments in which I truly relish life. Taking the time to notice the little, simple things; that is where the joy lies. When I take time to be grateful for:
-the sound of snow crunching beneath my feet,
-the smell of my vanilla lotion,
-being silly and having my roommates laugh along with me,
-the feel of my body, and how strong and good it is,
-tasting the health and flavor of food I cook for myself,
-the way that fog makes the world look peaceful and subdued.
...That is when I can feel and hear most clearly all the many ways Heavenly Father is telling me He loves me.
And I could never count them all.
Would me roommate be a "Me-Monster"?
What if my workload was crazy hard?
Would I get a lot of chances to meet new people?
What if the people I already knew didn't want to talk to me?
What if the testing center wouldn't let me in because of my crazy red hair?
What if my crazy red hair scared off potential dates?
I felt overwhelmed my first couple of days, which I realize is normal, but that doesn't make it any better to experience. (It actually peeves me when I am discouraged or frustrated and people tell me it's "normal" to feel that way. How exactly is that supposed to make me feel better? But I digress). I have also felt oddly anxious about most everything; usually I am pretty easy-going, and get things done as they come, make friends and meet people as I go. So feeling anxious or worried about anything really isn't my style. I am particularly concerned about falling behind in school. I guess this does cause me to be more motivated to get work done, i is not very enjoyable. I much prefer being motivated by pretty much anything, rather than fear. I'm kind of missing my old, leave-it-until-later, pull-it-together-at-the-last-minute self.
It's kind of hard not to feel isolated, as well, when you are living with four perfect strangers, your family and friends are ten hours away, and even if you wanted to talk to them you couldn't because you forgot your phone charger, and sadly enough, your phone does not run off of chewed up fingernails. I rely so much on my family, it can feel very hard to be apart from them for any amount of time.
So, in summary, I was kind of thrilled to be here, but my excitement was more a vague haze I could feel floating around on the other side of anxiety, loneliness, and something close to panic.
Still, even though transition are most always awkward, this one has been relatively smooth. While being up here isn't quite how I pictured or would have liked, I have noticed that I have many moments of clarity and joy. I feel more vivacious, and I have moments in which I truly relish life. Taking the time to notice the little, simple things; that is where the joy lies. When I take time to be grateful for:
-the sound of snow crunching beneath my feet,
-the smell of my vanilla lotion,
-being silly and having my roommates laugh along with me,
-the feel of my body, and how strong and good it is,
-tasting the health and flavor of food I cook for myself,
-the way that fog makes the world look peaceful and subdued.
...That is when I can feel and hear most clearly all the many ways Heavenly Father is telling me He loves me.
And I could never count them all.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Back in I.D.HO
So, as stated above, I am back in the frozen tundra that is Rexburg, ID. It is kind of bittersweet being up here. I miss my family already (although that is always to be expected). I came up without the lovely roommate I had been planning on, as Tess got engaged and stayed in CA. It has been weird, not knowing any of my roommates. In a lot of ways, I feel like I am starting over again. Like the previous year hasn't really passed, and that I am 18 again and this is the first time I've been away from home. It all feels surreal,but I know it'll all feel real soon enough.
Still, I am excited to be back up here. It has been awesome to get reconnected with the good friends I made up here last year. They are really fun to hang out with. I've also enjoyed being the "Elyssa" of Rexburg. It's easier for me to be outgoing and fun, to talk and chat with people, and to try new things. I think I am more authentic up here than in Vegas, in many ways.
Also, with classes starting in just a day, I have realized how actually and very close I am to graduating. Only four or five semesters; it definitely feels more doable. Puts it in perspective more, to realize that my time in college is, in fact, limited.
I really want these moments in my life to count. I want to prepare for what is to come, whether it is a career, marriage, writing, motherhood. It is so bizarre to think that all of those things are around the corner, that someday they really are going to happen. I feel like I've been getting too wrapped up in tomorrows. I want to enjoy the here and now as thoroughly as possible.
And I believe it is very possible.
This is it, this is my life.
And, by golly, I am loving it.
Still, I am excited to be back up here. It has been awesome to get reconnected with the good friends I made up here last year. They are really fun to hang out with. I've also enjoyed being the "Elyssa" of Rexburg. It's easier for me to be outgoing and fun, to talk and chat with people, and to try new things. I think I am more authentic up here than in Vegas, in many ways.
Also, with classes starting in just a day, I have realized how actually and very close I am to graduating. Only four or five semesters; it definitely feels more doable. Puts it in perspective more, to realize that my time in college is, in fact, limited.
I really want these moments in my life to count. I want to prepare for what is to come, whether it is a career, marriage, writing, motherhood. It is so bizarre to think that all of those things are around the corner, that someday they really are going to happen. I feel like I've been getting too wrapped up in tomorrows. I want to enjoy the here and now as thoroughly as possible.
And I believe it is very possible.
This is it, this is my life.
And, by golly, I am loving it.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Let it Shine
To be honest, I have felt Christmas coming on since a Wednesday in early October. I was driving to Institute, when I realized that my A/C was turned off, and yet my car was not an unpleasant temperartue. I rolled down my window, and cool air rushed past me and ruffled what little hair I have. The air smelled smokey and was--could I believe it?--chilly! Driving in the dusk, with the scent of some log burning and cool air on my face--it just felt like fall. Which, in Las Vegas, happens to descend upon us right around Thanksgiving, and sticks around through Christmas and probably even New Year's.
So, maybe it's just that it seems to have gotten cool a little earlier this year, but I am quite ready for the holidays. I have gifts for all my sisters (although some of them still require some effort, since I am making them). I have even bought myself a little somethin' somethin' (oooh Buckle, how cute all your clothes are).
As Christmas has started to take up my mental space, I have found myself imagining how I want my Christmases to look someday. You know, when I have some strapping, handsome man to call my husband and maybe a gaggle of delightful children and some cute house somewhere. (I actually do this with everything--it is one of my favorite daydreaming activities. I already have the theme [peacock feathers], colors [peacock colors/teal and ivory], dress [I plan to sew it myself, ivory, satin, gatherd at my natural waist, with a faux-lapel in an accent color], and cake [actually i just know it will have ganouche on it] of my wedding all planned out). I have considered what traditions I love (opening one gift on Christmas Eve), which ones I wouldn't mind leaving behind (that this gift was ALWAYS pajamas of some sort). What my family will have for dinner on Christmas Eve (scrumptious potatoes will definitely be on the menu), and what treats I will stuff into stockings (homemade candies, while above my skill level currently, would be delightful).
And of course, I have pictured my dream tree. Fresh of course, tall (but not too tall; seven and a half feet would do), all piney smelling. It's branches would be full; it would have a skimpy spot, but we would just turn that side to the wall. Dotted with hundreds and hundreds of fat, round bulbs (as pictured above), carefully wound around branches. Sweets strewn about it: candy canes, caramels and truffles and chocolates dressed up in fancy wrapping, cookies on strings, gingerbread men and women (having edible things on my tree is something I feel very strongly about, mmm'kay?). And most of all: colours. Lots, and LOTS of COLORS. The brightest, most beautiful colors, and lots of sparkle. I want my tree to glitter. I want it to be brimming over with life. I want everything on it to be either handmade, a gift, or both. I want my Christmas tree to be as lively, sparkly, colorful, fun, and joyful as the season is.
I want to look at it and be reminded that that is how my life should be lived, loved, felt, every day. With vivacity, with boldness. I want to look at it, and remember that I, too, shine bright. To remember how it is possible that anything is able to shine in a world so full of dimness, sorrow, lost and broken things. To remember that it all things beautiful, lovely, joyous, and light are gifts from my Savior. That though Him, even the ugliest, saddest, foulest things can be made beautiful, clean, and joyful. That even if I had a million gorgeous Christmas trees, there would not ever be enough room beneath them to fit all the blessings He gives me.
So, while it is the Season of Giving, I'll try to make some room in my heart, too, for all the Gratitude I need to fit there.
Merry Christmas.
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