Faith.

It is something I am trying to learn more of. I thought I was doing pretty okay with it. Was doing alright with the whole, pray-study-ponder thing. I figured my faith had grown a lot up at college, in leaps and bounds. Me and my faith, we were pretty strong. Ready for most everything.
And then I came home from college.

It seems silly to me to sit here saying that coming home from BYU-Idaho has been so hard. I mean, I was going to a great school, and then came home to an even better family. Hard life, huh?
But, oddly, it was. I guess I had all these expectations of how it would be and what would happen. I was going to get a job that paid well and gave good hours. I was going to be part of a totally awesome singles' ward and dominate the social scene. Boys would be falling over themselves to date me! My family would be so strung out with elation over my triumphant return that, well, they simply wouldn't know what to do with themselves. I would practice the cello! Learn the guitar! Paint! Write! Show the world what I was meant to do.
And then, I came home. I didn't have a bedroom. All my plans for getting a job fell flat. My singles' ward turned out to be awkward. I've been on a total of one date. And, I have all this free time, but what to do with it? I sat around for many hours. Re-watched all 4 seasons of the Office. Wasted a lot of time.

Which is how I got to where I was last night. On the way to pick up Britt from work, I thought about how I had spent my day. I had promised myself that I would get my bedroom and bathroom clean; both still lay in gross disarray. I had watched the Bee Movie "on demand"--and by myself. I had eaten a entire half of a frozen pizza by myself, in one sitting. The thoughts were all pretty dismal.
And then Brittany gets into the car and asks me: "So, what did you do today?" aaaand I kind of lost it. Started crying. Pretty intensely, too. I don't think Brittany really knew what to do. I was just so--MAD at myself! When we got home, of course, Mom and Dad wanted to know what was wrong. Dad offered a blessing, which I accepted, gladly. Then we had a nice, long talk. I prayed and went to bed feeling much better.

I woke up this morning, eyes all puffy still. Sigh. Got ready for my first day of work (at Tilly's! seasonally! minimum wage!). Eyes still looked puffy. And they kept looking and feeling that way all day, reminding me of all the things I had to think about and ponder on. And I had some inspirations.
I was reminded of Matthew 6:24-34. It's a particularly poetic excerpt from Christ's sermon on the mount (you can read the whole thing here). But, I will quote verses 31-34.

"31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow; for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

Maybe the whole not-getting-a-real-full-time-job-thing is a blessing. Not even really in disguise. I mean, I have loads of free time. More than I know what to do with. Something that so many would fall over themselves to have a li'l mo of in their lives.
More than that, though, there is a reason I need to have a complete overload of it in my life right now. I know that the Lord has something great, something important He wants me to do with it. It might be something different each week, or it might be a lot of little somethings each day, or it might be one big something from now until the time I head back up for school. I don't know, and I decided: I don't have to! I just need a bit of faith, enough to take the step I'm feeling right about, and that will be good. That will be enough.
And also, I don't need to know and figure out exactly how my schooling will get paid for. It will because it's where I want to be, and where Heavenly Father wants me to be. It is right. It will happen. I know that.
I guess my lesson right now is not to worry that I'm not "toiling" or "spinning" as much as I should be or think I should be, or whatever. But to just have faith. Trust that the Lord will reveal to me all things that I should be doing, if I will keep a clear mind and an open heart to receive what He has to tell me.
And trust that, as I allow myself to be more of what God created me to be, that I will know what to do, and that He will feed me and guide me. Just as He does the fowl of the air and the lilies of the field.
And all it takes to start is a little more Faith. Maybe only a mustard-seed's worth more than I had yesterday. But just that tiny bit.
And the rest will follow.

The Ultimate Dare

This past weekend was so amazing. I drove down to California and spent the weekend with Tess. I love that girl! She is a true friend, even if it is impossible for us to share a bed (apparently I kick/touch/take over when I'm sleeping...excessively).

In any case, I got lots of sun and tons of beach time. We even rode seadoos; Tess was wowed by my amazing seadoo-ing skills (and with good reason ;] ). We even chatted up a good number of fellas, rode a roller coaster. Serenaded random people on the beach (on the uke of course), and have an all-around good time. I love hanging out with Tess because she makes it hard to take the world (or myself) too seriously.

Her mission over the weekend was to get me to do/say silly, random, outrageous things--and I did. Half because it was her birthday and i couldn't begrudge her a birthday-dare or two, and half because it really was fun.

For instance, we were shopping and we walked past the Abercrombie and Fitch store. I stopped in my tracks, staring at this huge, blown up picture of a man's naked torso, with pants pulled dangerously low. We of course giggled at it--it was completely absurd. We both agreed that those pants were just scary-low. Too-much-information-low. Seriously scandalous. And then: the dare came. Go into the shop, and closely and conspicuously inspect the photo. In a squint-your-eyes, bend-closer-to-see, put-hand-to-face-in-thoughtful-gesture-type manner. And of course, I did, and got several odd looks from patrons and employees alike.
I was sure at the time that I was making some awesome statement, but the exact intended message of that action escapes me at the moment.

Another example: Monday night we went out to P.F. Chang's, just the two of us, for dinner, and made up this whole elaborate scheme to get the entire restaurant to sing her hapy birthday. It didn't work too well; it ended up just being two waiters and my lungs at full power that sang to her. It was still sufficiently humiliating, and thus a success, nonetheless. I'm sure we convinced several of the tables around use that we were pretty intoxicated--despite the fact that all we'd had was water (and of course, neither of us drinks). Alas, our strange, crazy, obnoxious behavior does not even have that explanation (excuse?) !


In any case, I love being aroud Tess, because she's one of those friends who insists on me always being honest, being myself. It's like this unspoken challenge, the ultimate dare: "Be true to you!" Around her, I am reminded that what others think of me and how they perceive me really isn't a big deal, and that I actually can't even control that. Even if everyone on the planet thought I was crazy, or homicidal, or lazy/untrustworthy/etc., it wouldn't matter; I would still be OK. It's none of my business what people think of me.
And Tess reminds me of this, reminds me of my business. It is my job is to just live my life in such a way that brings me joy, and allows me to think well of myself and feel good about who I am. And really, if I do that, who can fault me for it?