i'm a poet, did you know it?

I bought a small pack of thin notebooks, and have been writing poetry in them. I really want to start writing more, and a poem a day is not too much to handle.
This is my first, from February 20th.

Dreamed Seams

Embraced in cotton, all is surreal
thoughts skim, like oil across
the surface of conciousness.

Retinae flutter beneath lids
viewing, seeing what is not.
Mind exercising, reviewing what was,
making sense.

What I know then, is not existent
but so real. Tangible, colorful, more so
than waking.
This is the making:

The making of dreams, dreams
All is what it seems, sewn
at seams, light as air,
deep as seas.

My eyes move to view what can't be seen,
catch a glimps of what is true;
they can glean
a fragment of what makes up my mind,
myself, and I collect these,

In the pocket between waking and dreams,
and stitch them together, like so many
patches, an attempt to see,
the Whole,
What I am,
What is Me.

The Necessity of Hope

It has been a while since I posted, so it feels like I have a lot to talk about and catch up on.

More than anything, while these past few weeks have held much conflict for me, they have also come with something so much greater: Resolve.

Robert's regular checkup found leukemic cells in his blood. He is back in the hospital, and has just finished off a first round of chemo. He will also have to undergo another bone marrow transplant.

I also have been letting myself get afraid. Drawing away, letting myself get scared. Afraid of being vulnerable.

Honestly, I feel that I've given in to despair often lately. My personal journal is filled with phrases like, "This is all so confusing," "I don't know how to do this," or "I can't believe it; I just feel so angry." Still, after I wind on down that path for a while, I always end up coming back to the Savior, and to His love. Almost every entry ends with a reference to Him and His atonement.
Too often, I lose sight of the opportunity that each day is. I think about the prospect of the next day, week, month, year, and wonder how I can do it all. Wonder how it is that I can continue to go on, to exist in a world that is so full of pain and despair. What could really make living in such a crazy world worth all the heartache?

And then I remember the answer: Christ, our Savior. It is His Atonement, His sacrifice that makes sense of all the senseless pain and tragedy of the world. He lifts those who reaches to Him, makes it possible for them to heal, to become pure. He descended below all these things, all these hurts so that He could lift me above them

Hope is more than just a feeling; it is a conscious choice. It is the choice between having faith, believing, and keeping our hope alive, or giving in to grief and despair. Being hopeful means habitually choosing hope over fear or doubt, every time the choice presents itself.

I have received the resolution I needed. I have felt a confirmation, letting me know that all things are working together for good. I know Ashley and Robert’s journey will be hard and painful, but I also know it will be worth making. I know that because of the Atonement, and their faith, something good and beautiful will come out of it, something better than could have come by an easier way.

I also know that all things in my life are working together for my good. I see the way to courage and love opening up before me. I feel that I am being blessed with the resolve to embark on the journey. I am ready!

I choose to have the Hope needed to know that what lies ahead is perfect.
The best is yet to come.