Stress for stress' sake

I'm becoming Bridezilla.

Don't worry—you didn't miss anything.

I'm not engaged —

just the editor for the Bride's Guide produced here at BYU—I.

Which is pretty ironic, considering that the part I dread most about the possibility of one day getting hitched is the whole wedding fiasco.

I could care less about flowers or cakes or centerpieces, and planning makes me anxious.

If there is anything that is possibly more painful than planning a wedding, it's planning a magazine about planning weddings.

Today we had the photo shoot for the cover. I was stressed out about it for a number of reasons. One, because this is the first cover of the Bride's Guide that was shot specifically to be a cover, and not just something a nice photographer is letting us use. It really has no general precedence, so a lot of the ideas and process were from scratch. Secondly, this is the first magazine cover I've really had to plan and make happen. A cover everyone will see.

And remember how planning makes me anxious?

Between trying to figure what props, etc. we needed, getting dresses from a local bridal shop, trying to line up times, photographer, reserving a studio, I was ready to go into a coma.

And what's worse is that I allowed myself to become crazy because of all of it. I'm not a detail person, so details?

They drive me crazy.

And somewhere between picking out fonts and deciding on a concept for the cover, the details jammed up my synapses and I morphed into Bride's-Guidezilla.

Finally, today we are in the studio. Our model, Meredith, is cooperative, sweet and fun. She's a recently-returned missionary, and totally gorgeous in the dress: a simple sheath, free of embellishment, the flares at the bottom, with an almost pearlescent sheen.

Joey snaps away taking pictures; after a moment, they appear on the screen. They look great; better than I'd imagined.

On the inside I sigh, glad to actually be doing instead of just planning and fussing. It's a relief to finally see the project.

And I realized that only about half the stressing I did actually helped lead me to this product. The rest of it was just me worrying and fretting over things that were unimportant or outside of my control.

When it comes down to it, I know that the magazine will go to print in a week and a half looking totally fabulous, and it won't be because I stressed about it. Actually, it probably won't even be because of anything I did (or didn't) do.

How about you? What things do you needlessly stress over or worry about?

My butt = in gear

Today was just what I needed: a swift kick of get-off-your-but-and-do-something. I got up at around 9:30, showered and got ready. Then I headed over to the Scroll office and helped with the production. The lead (the journalism world's equivalent of a hook in writing) needed some work, and I also wanted to get more experience on the producing end of things. I turned in an application to be a assistant editor for next semester and would really love to get that position.

I worked on the layout of my page, and also the layout of another. I formatted them both, came up with titles, and other exciting stuff, and got them passed off. It was so satisfying. I really enjoyed the whole process, and seeing the work that goes into finalizing the paper will definitely help me be a better writer.

After I finished there, I met up with Jake and we studied in the library for a few hours. I go a lot done, and although I know it will probably be a week of working hard before I am back to where I want to be, I know it will be worth it. And I feel good just knowing that I have started.

Some Nitty-Gritty Details.

In my previous post, I discussed the challenges and blessings that have come with being back up at school.
But, apparently, you guys (Janelle) didn't want to hear vague statements or sweeping generalizations.
No, you wanted details. The juicier, the better.

So, seeing that I am such a people pleaser, I decided to oblige. Following are some details about my life up here in Rexburg.

Weather:
It is pretty darn cold, but there is not nearly as much snow as there was last year. It's only snowed a couple times since I've been up here. I am kind of glad about this, but come on. This "all or nothing" business is a bit extreme. Plus, the Idahoans need the moisture!
Also, the snow melts and makes a lot of ice. Good for shoe skating.

Classes:
-I love my British Literature teacher. He is very entertaining, and has fun being in class. He has gone off on several amusing tangents, including a long story about why his dog got itself impregnated, and it is the worse dog in the world, among other things. We also had a lengthy discussion another class period about whether his shirt was pink or just "light red" (it was totally pink).
-My Spanish class is going really well! I currently have a 99.48%, so go me! The teacher I have now I also had for Spanish 101, and she is a great, and her teaching style really works for me.
-Orchestra is great; we are playing the IV Movement of Dvorak's Symphony no. 9 New World. I swear, I didn't know it was possible to actually record that kind of majesty, but it is. Give it a listen.
-My Music Appreciation class is fun, as well. My teacher is pretty laid back, and hey, I get to listen to a bunch of music, go to live concerts on campus, and get credit for it all. Hello, awesome!
-My Book of Mormon class is also really good (aren't religion classes always good, though?). One of our first assignments was to write a paper outlining one area of our lives that we wanted to improve on. I chose selflessness; I would really like to experience having more of that ultimate Christ-like quality.

Roommates/Apartment Life:
I am really loving my apartment! It was a bit quiet at first, and us roomies didn't interact a lot at first, but it has really warmed up and we have a lot of fun together.
-Last night: OH THE DRAMZ. Kirsti and Deborah (they were good friends, and now share a room) got in a fight! Kirsti was joking around, pushing Deb's buttons, but then Deb actually got upset and threw a loaf of bread at Kirsti, who threw it right back and followed it up with a bottle of cranberry juice (which consequently exploded all over the floor). It was INTENSE. AND CRAZY.
And pretty hilarious, really.
They made up later, as well, so it was all good.
-Kirsti and I have been working out together! We've gone to a step class a few times, and which are actually a lot of fun! Kirsti is from Texas, and LOVES animals. She watches Animal Planet all the time, and says at least once a day how much she misses her dog. She is pretty fun, but also a pretty focused person.
-Deborah cut my hair, and it actually looks SO FLY. It is now shorter in the back, and longer in the front. I'll take a pic and post it soon. So, yes, Deb does hair, and is in school for Auto Mechanics. She is from South Carolina is totally a country girl. She's sweet and nice.
-Paris has her room to herself (since Tess ended up not coming up). She is SO nice, and is pretty quiet. She is totally fun to hang out with though, because she laughs at me and thinks I'm funny. She is trying to get into the Nursing Program here right now.
-Jennifer is my roommate, and she is totally cool. She is tall (6'2"), and half Native-American, half Honduran. She is also a direct descendant of Sittin Bull. Cool, right? She has the biggest heart, and we have a lot of fun together. She makes a honking noise when she blows her nose and it is amazing!

What's New:
- I am writing for the school newspaper now! It is called the Scroll, and I had thought about getting involved in it, but was afraid I wasn't qualified or it would be too hard. It was funny, though, the subject kept popping up from different people. For example, I met this guy and we were introducing ourselves (his name was Russell), and almost right away he asked if I was interested in getting involved in any school publications (he does a lot of advertisment stuff with the school). I told him I was, and just had to laugh on the inside, wondering how he could have known! He encouraged me to go talk to someone in the i-Comm office, so I did, and voila. I was writing for the Scroll! It was almost disappointingly easy.
In any case, I wrote my first article and turned it in yesterday. I will post a link when it goes up on the paper's website.
-I have this totally obnoxious and ridiculous crush on a guy in Orchestra. He plays the bass, and he is so. good. looking. Seriously, I forgot what it was to be this attracted to someone. He is either a 1-2 or a 2-1, I think, and has the squinty eyes a la Robert Ashworth.
Yesterday I was helping put chairs away after class. He was standing next to the stack of chairs and offered to put up the two I was carrying. My heart dropped down to sphincter, I'm pretty sure. I let him, and that probably would have been that, but I somehow (thanks to a pep talk on Sunday by Ashley, centered around putting myself out there more) got up the courage to introduce myself. His name is Jacob, and he was even thoughtful enough to clarify whether my name is spelled with an "A" (which, as you know, it is not).
It was a small victory--but a victory nonetheless!--and I walked away grinning from ear to ear.

busy and loving it.

My lips are so chapped! They feel like two sticky halves of velcros strips rubbing against each other. Las Vegas is so dry. It's getting cold here. I am always surprised when it starts getting cold here. I sort of forget that it does that, you know?

Man, have I been busy!
I'ver been working a lot of hours at Tilly's and with Natalie. I also got my first paychecks (plural, I know. exciting!). So now I have the means to get a badly needed hair cut (YAAAY). And also, I need to pay tithing! I have been owing for a while now. It sure would be easier with a checkbook, so I wouldn't have to go and get cash out alls the time. I should order one.

I am really glad to be working more. It was hard to feel good, about myself or most anything, when I felt that I was useless and not doing anything. Not impossible. But still, it's much easier to feel good about myself at the end of a productive day.
I'm hoping I'll be able to start saving some real, serious cash soon. I would like to be able to pay for at least one semester upfront when I go back up to school.
It is very cool, though, how this whole faith thing has been working out. I really am so grateful! I know that Heavenly Father has an active, aware influence in my life. I can feel angels walking with me. I am grateful.

I love you all.

thoughts/ramblings

I am trying to set up Mom's website for her, yourtuthfromtheinsideout.com, but ugh. This whole web-hosting-setup thing is harder than I thought it would be! I'm sure if/when I knuckle down, I'll be able to figure it out...hopefully.

Also, I am debating whether or not today should be a shower day. I am due for one, but my hair still looks good, which is a rare occurence! Usually, when I wake up I look like a demented cockatoo. Or maybe a cuckoo dementor.
Alls I'm saying is that I don't want to ruin a good thing.
Maybe a body shower?

I am looking forward to going back to BYU-I in January.
Main reasons for this:
-Increase in productivity.
-Getting some schooling done.
-Not feeling like a useless bum?
-Having a social life that is, shall we say, "bumpin'".
-More opportunities to date...or something.
-Tess!
Still, I am not looking forward to the cold, or being seperated from family, or being crazy stressed with school work... but I guess I'll just make the most of the hot weather, my ample spare time, and my crazy fam whilst I am here!

Faith.

It is something I am trying to learn more of. I thought I was doing pretty okay with it. Was doing alright with the whole, pray-study-ponder thing. I figured my faith had grown a lot up at college, in leaps and bounds. Me and my faith, we were pretty strong. Ready for most everything.
And then I came home from college.

It seems silly to me to sit here saying that coming home from BYU-Idaho has been so hard. I mean, I was going to a great school, and then came home to an even better family. Hard life, huh?
But, oddly, it was. I guess I had all these expectations of how it would be and what would happen. I was going to get a job that paid well and gave good hours. I was going to be part of a totally awesome singles' ward and dominate the social scene. Boys would be falling over themselves to date me! My family would be so strung out with elation over my triumphant return that, well, they simply wouldn't know what to do with themselves. I would practice the cello! Learn the guitar! Paint! Write! Show the world what I was meant to do.
And then, I came home. I didn't have a bedroom. All my plans for getting a job fell flat. My singles' ward turned out to be awkward. I've been on a total of one date. And, I have all this free time, but what to do with it? I sat around for many hours. Re-watched all 4 seasons of the Office. Wasted a lot of time.

Which is how I got to where I was last night. On the way to pick up Britt from work, I thought about how I had spent my day. I had promised myself that I would get my bedroom and bathroom clean; both still lay in gross disarray. I had watched the Bee Movie "on demand"--and by myself. I had eaten a entire half of a frozen pizza by myself, in one sitting. The thoughts were all pretty dismal.
And then Brittany gets into the car and asks me: "So, what did you do today?" aaaand I kind of lost it. Started crying. Pretty intensely, too. I don't think Brittany really knew what to do. I was just so--MAD at myself! When we got home, of course, Mom and Dad wanted to know what was wrong. Dad offered a blessing, which I accepted, gladly. Then we had a nice, long talk. I prayed and went to bed feeling much better.

I woke up this morning, eyes all puffy still. Sigh. Got ready for my first day of work (at Tilly's! seasonally! minimum wage!). Eyes still looked puffy. And they kept looking and feeling that way all day, reminding me of all the things I had to think about and ponder on. And I had some inspirations.
I was reminded of Matthew 6:24-34. It's a particularly poetic excerpt from Christ's sermon on the mount (you can read the whole thing here). But, I will quote verses 31-34.

"31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow; for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

Maybe the whole not-getting-a-real-full-time-job-thing is a blessing. Not even really in disguise. I mean, I have loads of free time. More than I know what to do with. Something that so many would fall over themselves to have a li'l mo of in their lives.
More than that, though, there is a reason I need to have a complete overload of it in my life right now. I know that the Lord has something great, something important He wants me to do with it. It might be something different each week, or it might be a lot of little somethings each day, or it might be one big something from now until the time I head back up for school. I don't know, and I decided: I don't have to! I just need a bit of faith, enough to take the step I'm feeling right about, and that will be good. That will be enough.
And also, I don't need to know and figure out exactly how my schooling will get paid for. It will because it's where I want to be, and where Heavenly Father wants me to be. It is right. It will happen. I know that.
I guess my lesson right now is not to worry that I'm not "toiling" or "spinning" as much as I should be or think I should be, or whatever. But to just have faith. Trust that the Lord will reveal to me all things that I should be doing, if I will keep a clear mind and an open heart to receive what He has to tell me.
And trust that, as I allow myself to be more of what God created me to be, that I will know what to do, and that He will feed me and guide me. Just as He does the fowl of the air and the lilies of the field.
And all it takes to start is a little more Faith. Maybe only a mustard-seed's worth more than I had yesterday. But just that tiny bit.
And the rest will follow.